managing expectations.

on a sunday night. (now monday afternoon) tearing out carpet, ripping down wallpaper... and why? well, the wallpaper rage came after a close friend unexpectedly called me and went on some everything but the kitchen sink kind of tirade. the carpet removal after i banished kitty to the outside world since she felt as if she needed to piss all over the room. also adding to the insult was the dog piss and the princess of potty training springing leaks.

did i mention the bad case of the emotionals? being a bit of a menstrual case? the manic house cleaning? the careful decision to reheat sauteed vegetables instead of mainlining tater tots? the night run to wal-hell with kids? the unhappy news that the senor would not stop by as expected? the gravity after slogging it out all day that people without the burden joy of hanging out with their kids all day were sitting around drinking beer on the dock?

and i found myself wanting to cry. i still might cry. i'm crampy and crabby and all on a day when i have something important to do. something that someone important to me is excited about. perhaps i am engaging in preemptive self-sabotage. my baking is doomed to fail. i'm out of sugar. i don't know how to get out of this funk. and i have to somehow do it by 5pm. i feel fat and gross and old.

did i mention that this was going to be a long week? still on the trail of restoring the bank account to order...kids out of school...naturally, no time for a social life because of things beyond my control which i am sure please some people no end to know that their actions have ruffled my feathers.

since i suppose it's time i shut the fuck up and find a silver lining, i'll go with that someone is wanting to show me off today. same someone wants to try and salvage my tuesday night by including the little people. i am a lucky girl. just a lucky girl who is currently feeling overwhelmed. keep moving people, nothing to see here.

tanking on thursday.


yesterday was great and then it sucked. woke up with the enchanting srdk next to me, shared a french press for two and a pastry, picked up the kids, and headed out to the lake for a day in the sun. i drove home with my wet dog and wet kids to find a man robbing my home. he was someone who had been working with my contractor on the bathroom renovation. my kids liked him. we trusted him. he had been in and out of my home for almost 2 weeks.

initially, i thought i had gotten rid of him without him having taken anything but a precious lot of my sanity. the police came. they went. a report was filed. later that evening, i discovered that my favorite ring had been stolen. my mother's ring that was really the only piece of jewelry i cared about--one big sapphire flanked by emerald cut diamonds. the double kick in the gut was when i discovered that one of my checkbooks had also been stolen, and that approximately $4500 in checks had been cashed from my account.

so, i woke up broke and agitated, and generally angsty. i'm scared that this guy knows the ins and outs of my home. i'm scared because he acted as if he had every right to be at my home. i'm scared because i live alone with two small children.

my bright spots are that i have a friend who would come and check on me, a sister who brought me dinner and stayed until midnight, and a boyfriend who rubbed my back until i felt marginally better. this morning, we got mobile: srdk cruised pawn shops looking for my ring while i filed reports with the bank. my sister alerted some places that cash third party checks to not take them from my account. more than one person has offered me money. i am lucky. feeling sort of beaten down and threatened, but lucky. the hardest thing of all has been to explain to my son that sometimes people betray us--that mr. brown was not a good man.

so, if i'm not hanging around and reading and commenting, it's because i'm feeling a bit defeated and sad. xoxo

10 things tuesday: doo-doo brown edition

many of you know that la liv has a man friend named el senor the deer killer (srdk). srdk is fond of giving la liv a lot of static about a number of things to include, but not limited to: her playroom that smells of cat piss, her advanced age (don't ask), and her penchant for things (as he calls them) that are "doo-doo brown." la liv knows that the senor teases because he cares, and that his overall sweetness generally eclipses the potential for angst over the fun making. however, if liv's readers are not so sure, they may email him at srdeerkiller(at)gmail(dot)com.

i give you 10 things that i love which are reputed to be doo-doo brown:


1) my bedroom (ralph lauren "chocolate mousse")


2) my 2nd string pair of Chanel sunglasses
3) my beautiful silk, Michael Kors tunic

4) my living room (farrell calhoun "coach house")


5) my patent leather and straw wedges
6) my new Aegean limestone bathroom floor


7) my dad's old ranger fish & ski boat...ah, memories!
8) chocolate. to eat. preferably from here or here.
9) my "i've never seen anyone else carry this one," LV bag.
10) bourbon.


**edited to add that i so could have mentioned the doo-doo brown cosmic, granola sugarmama shoes that someone's puppy chewed, but that would NOT be ladylike.

flaky friday.


i'm sitting in my bed right now. it's the bed that's on the floor--not even on a frame. it's loaded up with new linens and fluffy pillows. i have a room full of kids--one on the iMac playing Nick, Jr. games; one next to me snuggling her Dora blanket. there's still half of a wall that is not finished being painted. i don't care. mainly i don't care because this life is so deliciously far removed from my old life that i don't even have a flicker of nostalgia for my old, ridiculously expensive Italianate bed. of course, there were nice things---the babies who snuggled and nursed in it, the toddlers who painstakingly counted the carved flowers on the headboard, one by one.

what the hell was i saying? oh, yes! i'm in this paradise of media and unfolded laundry. my eyes are sort of dancing around the idea of closing. the ceiling fan is gently whirring. oh, lazy friday, i love you!

**edited to add: i did fall asleep! so did Peep!**

last night was really wonderful. it was my birthday party at the studio, and how wonderful to have no less than 40 people show up to wish you well, drink a glass of Veuve, eat a cupcake, and hang out for a few hours? (this to say nothing of my healthy stash of wine and loot acquired from sweeties...) impossible to be unhappy, and that's when i realize that some of the hardest things that i ever thought happened to me, and around me were for my ultimate benefit.

i looked around the room last night, and saw so many friends who have been treated pretty shabbily by life lately--property destroyed, loved ones dying, unfaithful significant others, the scourge of small town gossip, catty girlfriends, etc... and i realize how awesome they all are--making it, putting one foot in front of the other, refusing to fall asleep to their lives and purposes, not allowing themselves to give in to a comatose state of acceptance of depression, not crawling into a bottle. and in that moment, where i have my darling tots, an amazing guy at my side, my best girls, and other sundry characters, i realize that this is not just my party.

it is theirs-- so very theirs.

wednesday obsessions: birthday edition.


(oh, and we have a winner. keep reading!)


you know where i usually put the obsessions, so i must feel pretty free today. it's true. let's examine...

"Hello
I've had you on my mind
For hours there's no doubt
And there's no use wasting time

And hello
How could I ever feel this way?
With so much left to say
And so much on my mind

I know there's no use for
Trying harder I got to
Gage and barter to get out

'Cause baby you start and then you stop
And my heart beats big before it drops
And I don't know what's to do

Uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh uh uh, uh
Sit back
Let my love grow good for you

And hello
My God, you're beautiful
It's true, everyday I stumble
Getting caught up on you

And now I
I never been so amused
There ain't nothing left to prove
I ain't got nothing to lose

'Cause baby, I've been lightly drinking
And a little bit too heavy on the thinking
And won't you tell me something good?

'Cause baby you start and then you stop
And my heart beats big before it drops
And I don't know what's to do"*

Mmm...so, there's that. I had my first slumber party as a grown girl in my new(ish) house on my kid free evening in my newly painted boudoir. The dogs had their own sleepover in the kitchen. I was steaming the milk for lattes in my nightie as my contractor showed up to finish my bathroom. He has known me for a long time, talked to the senor, and then had to come and consult me at my desk. The conversation sounded something like this:

j: so, umm...your...boyfriend?? seems like a good guy.

me: he's a very nice man, the senor.

j: i, just, i mean, he's really not the kinda guy i would have pegged you to be with. i would have maybe thought you'd go for umm...more of a pretty boy.

me: yeah, well, something to be said for the truck driving, outdoorsy type. after all, there's only so long that the brooks brothers vomited ralph lauren look does it for you. maybe i'm just (giggle) getting older...

j: anyway, i mean, he seems like he's good people. i'm going to put in your toilet now.


my cd (cough) winner is ~T~ at Sunshine for Breakfast... send me your info, girl.



*tristan prettyman, hello.

10 more things...and a giveaway!

so, i was driving up to the nature trail today and while the kids and i were cranking some ridiculous tunes, i had this thought: i am ridiculously, ludicrously, monstrously, insanely happy. oh, and stupidly, too. stupidly happy. suck on that, downers.

1) a smile might have exploded out of my face at lunchtime.

2) have been informed that girls in tight jeans hauling limbs look hot, too. (see below)

3) a BEAR rolled over and growled at me today. a real, black bear!

4) even the threat of getting the senor's poison ivy can't keep me from squeezing him.

5) and oh, my goodness! the pigs and cows and goats and chickens were so cute!

6) and props to Alabama Power people for coming to our rescue! (you boys are cute, too!)

7) 31 is going to be awesome. i love the thirties. i can't wait for tomorrow!

8) someone who comments today is going to get a copy of my sweet-ass "may" playlist.

9) have i mentioned that i am happy? hate me yet?

10) ooh! look! a slideshow!

10 things tuesday


1) looking forward to pre-birthday dinner with the bff tonight.

2) also pretty happy about sleeping in my own bed after clearing out the squatters.

3) totally psyched about winning in the mother's day giveaway at petit elefant! if you're not checking this precious place out, you're missing a lot.

4) *giggling* just a little to have found that girly work gloves had been purchased for me to help the senor with clean up.

5) attempting to embrace the idea that the kids are out of school for another day. i guess that means no work for me...

6) cannot decide whether or not to cut my hair again--i need maintenance of some sort; looking shaggy.

7) sweaty men in work pants, and toting chainsaws are kinda hot. just sayin'.

8) i heart having friends in the restaurant business.

9) totally admire my former neighbor who has a massive oak tree wedged in his house, was on the cusp of losing a freezer full of meat, and texted me at 11pm to tell me he had smoked most of it.

10) just really admiring the great numbers of friends who have been rallying around to help each other. makes me appreciate what a wonderful group of people exist in my life--you all included.